My husband could’ve slept in another 2 hours. But instead, he choose to leave while it was still dark outside. He choose to tip toe around and be as quiet as he could be so our kids and I could dream a little longer and not wake up to tears of good byes. He kissed us all on the cheek and said his I love you’s as he silently cried to himself. I tried to keep his plan in motion but I had to get up and hug him and tell him I love him too. 

Watching him  with tears in my eyes as he walks away drying his own tears is never something I’ve gotten used to. In fact, it’s only become harder each time. Transition time from having my husband home, having my kids father home, not having to worrying if my phone is charged, sleeping good at night and watching my kids bond and talk to someone other than me had been taking me a little longer than it used too. 

This morning I forgot about myself and thought about my husbands transition time. Going from all the kids and I wanting his attention to being completely alone driving down a never ending road. So now I’ve snapped out of it cause this whole week of feeling sorry for myself didn’t work out for last month at all😝

When I hear other women complaining about how tired they are of their husbands or saying they need a break from their kids I really want to open my mouth and ask/say a few things to them. 

Break time is when they fall asleep and my role as a parent will change once they’re an adult but adults still need guidance from their parents. Do you realize how hard it is to be a mom and dad? Love the man you married even when you don’t feel like it. You married your best friend don’t forget that friends will fight. Anyone living in close proximity to each other will have issues. It’s how you handle your disagreements that matters. If love is your motivation, making  up will always make your relationship stronger!

Trying to discipline, love, set an example to my children, especially now that we have 2 teens and 2 adults, all while I’m a complete mess isn’t easy.  With out the Lord it’d be enemies harder. I wish I had my husband around to put all our groceries away in the wrong place and spend all his time with the kids and I. I wish my husband was home during my morning chaos to tell me to RELAX so I could get super mad at him for saying that. 

Point is. Don’t take your soulmate for granted. He could be there one day irritating you and gone the next. Then what, all those petty little things he used to do would be what you’d miss most. 

My husband and I are 2 perfectly imperfect people that have hurt each other, we’ve disappointed each other an we definitely have our disagreements. They older we get the more we realize that our time is truly precious. We are so guilty of taking life for granted on so many levels. 

 I thank the Lord that we’ve been blessed with a life together that has taught us how to get over it and make up before he leaves. To treasure every small moment more than the typical family might and celebrated the bigger moments even more. Realizing early on that our life is far from normal and it’s OK to live in the moment because tomorrow is never guaranteed.  I Pray for my truckers safe trip to and from and I pray for my sanity and patience as I drive back home with 2 teen boys that love to bother each other😊 

Love my Roadrunner❤️

Thursday was the big day that My husband and I were anxious to get over with. Needle biopsy and lumpectomy, these big words brought me to tears and deep reflection of my life and my future. I have had so many friends and family praying for me, I’ve never felt so BLESSED and CONTENT with our life, our decisions, our relationship and the people that have chosen to take this journey with me. I love you and thank you all for LOVING my family and I! 

For the word of the Lord holds true and we can trust ALL he does psalms 33.4💜

We walk into the office. I get my paperwork all signed. The nurse calls both my husband I and into the consultation room where a nurse begins to explain the procedure and the risks. She explains what they found and marks an X on the area they will perform the biopsy. She also explained the reasoning for the biopsy. After comparing images taken from the last 6 months, reviewing findings from 2 other technicians opinions and also what she found in their own ultra sounds the lump had grown, was consistent and it was a cause for concern. 

I change into their pretty pink gown and lay down on the table as the tech is telling me to point out the lump for her again. I go to the area that I’ve been checking EVERYDAY for the last 7 months and it’s hard for me to find it. I feel something but it wasn’t that end of a pencil eraser type of  lump that I had been praying over. I asked her if she could look with the ultra sound cause I can’t find it, my hands were shaking so I honestly thought I was just nervous. She’s pressing super hard with the ultra sound wand, going back and forth while thinking out loud and giving me some direction.  “Let me brighten the screen, move your arm up, turn to the side,  what’s going on, ok try and find it again.” She tells me I don’t understand! I did your last scan and I remember you going directly to the lump and pointing it out and finding it right away. There’s nothing there! She then goes to her charts and calls the surgeon. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Phil4.6 💜💜💜

The tech goes on to say “I don’t know what to say, it was there, it was prominent, it’s not there anymore and that’s not a mistake! We can’t do a biopsy if there’s nothing to biopsy.” By this point I’m in shock and in tears. What’s happening? Did they make a mistake? Is the machine  working? Lord did you do this this? 

3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, Rom5.3-4

With tears in his eyes my husband immediately said this is a MIRACLE! All this time we’ve spent praying, all the family and friends we’ve asked for prayer, The lord heard each and every one of us crying out to him🙏🏽

19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matt18.19-20

The next day I woke up and checked, there isn’t any sign of a lump. It wasn’t a dream! Lord this isn’t a mistake and you have my full attention. You brought me through this and I have complete trust in your plan for my family and I! 

Every motion and emotion I’ve gone through over the last few months have opened my eyes too a lot of ME. Lord this was your plan and I’ve grown so much from it. I’m so unworthy yet so thankful. I gave you everything I was trying to change or fix and put my trust in you. This is my testimony this is my song! 

1 O LORD, you have searched me and known me! 2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. Ps139.1-4

Things that used to bother don’t anymore. People who used to bring me to tears don’t anymore. Relationships that I tried so hard to fix were never mine to fix. Everything I had on my plate I let go of it. I mean, I really let go of it. Lord here you go! I can’t do this, show me, teach me, mold me, use me.. I want to be a better me. The lord has strategically filled every gap in my life because he knows what and who I need. Everything good and everything bad has brought me to this point of my life and I can’t be more thankful. I’m in complete awe just thinking about this last year and all the change my family has gone through. This is just the beginning! 

Got my new dancing shoes on and I’m ready for my NEW BEGINNINGS! Thank you Jesus! 

I love my Roadrunner💜

A few days ago I was sitting in the airport waiting for my connecting flight to New York where my hubby would be waiting for me💜 As soon as my flight was called to start boarding my impatient hubby calls “Did you leave yet? Where are you? HELLO?” I’m laughing thinking how much I love that he’s impatiently waiting for me. I tell him I’ll be there in 32 minutes and you better not be late hehe. 

A few minutes later my other line rings “Hi this is Debbie from Women’s breast imaging, is this Vicki?” My heart dropped. I’ve been waiting for this call for a few weeks. 

She continues to say “Based off your previous mammo, ultra sounds and symptoms we are scheduling you for a needle biopsy October 1st, do you have any questions?”

My heart drops even further. I have questions, yes I have lots of questions. I’m not receiving news that I have cancer but this is all I can hear. Lord clear my thoughts

Is it the same area? How big is it? How long will it take for results? Had it grown? Why the needle biopsy? What’s the difference? 

My hubby is on the other line still, I hear the last call for my boarding group and I’m now crying. Oh lord why did I have to answer this call? 

I tell the nurse I’ll have to call her back. I click over tell my babe I’m boarding now, gotta go. But he knows I’m crying. So I tell him quickly that I’ll text him on the plane when I get wifi. I hang up and I seriously can not control my tears. People are staring at me. I start fanning my face like it’s making a difference and make my way to my seat. 

I sit in my window seat which I usually love but this time was different. I’ve never had a panic attack before but I am almost positive I had one the moment this guy sat next to me. He placed his food on my lap like it was the thing to do so he could buckle up. He’s sitting on my hair as he’s squirming around in his chair. I’m pulling my hair at the same time then I take a stong wiff of, wow he farted. Did he really just do that? All I could think was I need to get off this plane! 

The seat in front of me is so close the guys arm might as well be resting on my Chest and dang it! Get off of my hair! Waaah!😭 I stood up then I sat down. Stood up again then I said to myself. Stop being dramatic and pray. 

“Lord your word say by your stripes we are healed. I won’t ask why. Right now I just want peace in my heart. I don’t know the outcome but I’m trusting that you hear my prayer for myself and for my family.” 

Then for some reason a song pops into my head. ITS MY BIRTHDAY AND I’LL CRY IF I WANT TO, CRY IF I WANT TO🎶 ugh. What’s wrong with me lol😭

Now that you’ve had a glimpse of some of my crazy emotions I’d like to let you know that after praying I let my tears flow to myself and continued to pray. I got my hair back and ACCIDENTALLY whipped the farting guy in the face as I was throwing my hair up in a bun😜 I finished singing that stupid birthday song that was stuck in my head haha then I decided to open up a notebook my daughter gave me for my birthday. 

I was so happy to find that all my kids wrote me a little note. Well, my boys wrote a little note and my daughter wrote a short novel😍 One part really started up the waterworks again. Sienna said “Mommy, I know you think started off in a bad way raising us kids, made mistakes but you didn’t mess up like you think you did. We love you, everyone loves you and we know how hard it is and how hard you work and pray for us” 
Tears😭😭😭 All of their notes touched my heart, especially my youngest telling me that I was AWESOME lol. Isaiah telling me he loves me and thank you for everything, Elijah said love you mom happy 45th Bithday! 45? Ok son! Lol 

Okay I’m calm, cool and collected by this point! Thank you lord. Thank you kids and thank you husband for flying me out. This was perfect timing and not our plan. Thank you lord. 

My husband and I have never been closer and had so much fun with each other as we have this past week.  Even though he only had a few days off he made the most out of them. He should have been resting instead he had me onvhis mind. He gave me a few first time moments out in the BIG CITY that I’ll never forget,  he really planned our time and our OUTFITS well😘 I’m  so thankful for this man. I’m missing my kids  lots but I’m really enjoying this much needed time with my trucker.

So now what? it’s life not as usual. No wasting time on petty issues. No arguing over little stuff that won’t matter. No more of the no more. I feel different. Everything just feels different and that makes me happy. I don’t want to be stuck the same person year after year. I want to be a better woman, wife, mommy and friend. This change is a good thing and a prayer answered. All I can say is THANK YOU LORD🙏🏽 and maybe this the answer to my question. What’s in this for me?

No matter what happens. Every circumstance that has brought my family to this point has been worth it. God’s plan is and always will better than the best💯

Love you family and friends til no end. I can’t say it enough💜 Love your other half. Don’t put off for tomorrow what  you can do today! Stop focusing on others and look at your own heart. And oh yeah, just get over it. It won’t matter in the end. Whatever  you’re dwelling on,  It really won’t matter. 

I love my trucker!